Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
