I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
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I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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