im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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