There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
