I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
