dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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