Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
