I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is wine microwaveable?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
