girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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