If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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