Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Houston, we have a blender
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
