My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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