I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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