Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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