This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
