i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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