Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
