So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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