guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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