Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
