There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
