I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
