Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
