Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
