Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
