but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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