I cannot find my penis.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
