I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
