you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
