can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
