Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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