mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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