grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
