I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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