I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
