I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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