apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
