Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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