The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
