And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Where did you get a picture of my penis
ugly people sure do ruin things
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
