i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
