The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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