I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We are two peas in an std pod
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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