I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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