Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He felt like a one man threesome
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
