You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
