she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
