it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
