i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
