I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
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