You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
