a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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