Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
