My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
