Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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