Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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