dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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