good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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